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“I trust the partner, but I feel constraint in sex”

A year ago she began dating a friend

Ärligt talat, under det gångna året, vår inställning till de ljud som publicerar kvinnor under kön, blev det en original cialis särskilt efter nyheterna om det faktum att de flesta kvinnor stöter inte från nöje (och varför gör de det alls, vi skrev I artikeln “Varför kvinnor stämmer under kön?”).

with whom she has been familiar with 14 years. We spend the time together well, we understand each other at a glance. Over the years of friendship, we went through a lot, and I could always rely on it. He knows some secrets that I have not entrusted to anyone else. I can tell him a lot, because I know he will understand. Last year we suddenly started dating. For him, this is the first experience of a relationship with a girl. I am as comfortable with him as before, but it is difficult to behave in sex. I feel clamped, although I have not experienced such problems before.

Valeria, now you are associated with this young man not only love relationships, but also years of friendship – I think, partly the reason for the problem. For a long time in your relationship there was no erotic component, you talked as friends, used to share secrets. Now the status of relations has changed, and you feel constraint.

The transition from friendly relations to sexual does not always go smoothly. Perhaps your previous experience interferes with you, especially if then you shared with a friend of intimate experiences. Therefore, now you may feel like a little more “naked” than it.

You know a partner well, and this deprives you of the necessary element of the game, mystery, leaves no place for fantasy about each other. A young man can perceive this situation differently, since in his experience there was no sexual relationship yet.

Try to openly discuss your constraint with your partner, find out how he feels. Since close and trusting relations have long been established between you, such a conversation can clarify a lot and it will become easier for you.

At school, a child is bad: what to do?

Imagine the situation: your son or daughter 10-11 years old flatly refuses to go to school. He or she feels bad there: it doesn’t work to establish relations with classmates, teachers “find fault” and “underestimate grades”. Perhaps, reading these lines, you didn’t even have to use imagination: the described hypothetical case is your harsh reality. Having tried different means, you finally decided to contact a psychologist. How can representatives of different approaches help you?

There are so many schools of modern psychology that parents are involuntarily lost: which one to choose? At the Genesis Genesis conference, authoritative specialists of various therapeutic directions told how they will build work with a specific request – the child refuses to go to a prestigious school, citing the fact that his peers are not interesting, and teachers are fools.

Read about the principles of work in the methods of KPT, Gestalt therapy and the Adlerian approach here.

How to work with this case a system family approach?

Says psychologist Alla Chugueva

Even if one person comes to the consultation, a systemic family psychotherapist works with the whole family, and this is the main difference between the approach. First of all, I will request information about the family. Does the child have a dad? Parents live together or they are divorced? Who else is involved in the family system, what is the related environment?

The meeting with the whole family is the best option. But in our realities it is not always possible to collect everyone. Therefore, mom and child can come, dad, mother, child and, finally, one mother is normal, we will hire all these cases.

The main ideas of our approach are as follows: the system is more than the sum of its elements, the system has its own laws by which it lives. When everything is stable in the family, we say that it is in homeostasis, to which any system ultimately seeks. But there is a paradox: at the same time, the system strives for development. And since development occurs through the crisis, changes, the system begins to resist them. It is at this critical moment that people usually turn to a psychologist.

So, mother talks about the problem (we call it “symptom”): poor study or the child’s unwillingness to go to school. We do not study the question of why the child is studying poorly or does not want to go to school (this mother will tell you so). We will ask ourselves: how long this situation lasts. Obviously, poor study is part of family homeostasis. This is the dysfunctional situation that somehow maintains stability in the family. And we need to find out how different family members relate to this problem, to whom and what bonuses, the advantages it promises?

How poor studies of the child participate in the homeostasis of the family? As an option, it helps marital contact and emotional proximity

For example, a triangle could form in the family: the child’s problem forces mom and dad to talk as often as possible. Maybe if there were no problems with study, they would have nothing to discuss. We also study what rules work in this family system, study the boundaries of the family and those myths that go from generation to generation. For example, myths “all excellent students in our family” and “without higher education, life will turn into hell” can strengthen the alarm and prevent parents from taking a child from a prestigious school, where classmates may humiliate him or teachers are not quite adequately behaved.

We look at what stage of development this family is located. Perhaps another child was born, and therefore the boy lacks contact with his mother. Or maybe his senior teenage brother actually behaves: walks school, smokes, drinks, and the younger focuses on the elder and takes an example from him.

Having received quite complete information about the family, we can build hypotheses that explain how poor study of the child is involved in the homeostasis of the family. As an option, it helps marital contact and emotional proximity. Or allows all generations of the family to unite and show warmth, attention, care for each other. Or maybe the child signals that he is difficult to worry about the divorce of parents. Or gets the missing attention of the mother after the birth of his sister.

Depending on which of the hypotheses will be the most reliable, we will choose one or another way of working. We use different techniques and methods: emotionally-phocked therapy, work with subcity, communication training, homework, game methods-to change dysfunctional, unhealthy interactions in the family into prosperous and functional.

The most unexpected is that we do not work with the symptom with which the client originally came: “The child is not studying and does not want to go to school”. We will not study the child at all and look for ways to send him to school. We will work with another – with the contact of the spouses, relations of the child and parents, the communication of brothers and sisters, family myths and family history. And already as this family system is healed, the symptom (poor study) will disappear by itself. This is the paradox of systemic family therapy.

How to work with this case intermodal therapy with expressive arts?

Says psychologist Varvara Sidorova

There are a lot of arts of therapy, some were created on the basis of dance, others – painting or music. Our direction, intermodal therapy with expressive arts (Expressive Art-Thraapy), suggests using different types of art and smooth transitions between them in one session, as this corresponds to the nature of the human. After all, all these abilities: to hear, see, move – integrated into us.

I will assume that on the territory of art a client can feel a little more relaxed than at a reception for a psychologist of any other direction. There is no need to match anything here, you don’t need to think. Art is a “hug of space”, it accepts anything, all experiences, all roles.

I do not ask customers to be artists. I ask them only to be attentive and feeling. For example, I will ask you to draw a line. And then I will offer to see the image in this line. Someone will have a snake, someone has a road or rocket soaring up. And then I will offer to come up with a story about this rocket or snake. And then, through the creation of something new, other meanings are born.

Any problem is some deadlock, stagnation. Game and creativity give an opportunity to look at the situation from a different angle, see new prospects. And transfer the experience gained on the territory of art to real life.

So, back to a given occasion. Mom comes without a child, tells how bad he is at school. There are no friends, teachers are fools. What exactly will I do?

First of all, to listen to the client, showing sincere curiosity, empathy, and asking clarifying questions. I’m really interested to know: the boy has no friends at all – or only at school? And before they were? Classmates do not like – that, absolutely everything? Teachers are fools – whose opinion, who thinks so?

9 signs that your colleague suffers from personality disorder

Such a person can poison the atmosphere in the team with his presence alone. Demotivate colleagues or subordinates, make them feel worthless. If desired, he may seem quite charming and adequate, skillfully hiding his personality disorder. And most importantly – it is almost impossible to recognize this when taking such an employee to work.

Since the company appeared a new employee, Anna, tension hung in the air. Even the cleaners tried to avoid meeting with the new. Its presence itself created unnecessary stress. As soon as she went into the room, everyone immediately froze, as if expecting her to say something unpleasant again.

Anna made remarks because of her aggression and unconsciousness, but nothing changed. On the contrary, scandals became more frequent because she took revenge on everyone who, as it seemed to her, spoke badly about her. Various rumors crawled around the office, fertile ground for hypocrisy and mutual accusations arose. Everyone saw the problem except the head of Anna. Unfortunately, because of this, all attempts to change something gave only a short-term result.

When several complaints were received in the personnel department, Maria, an employee who hired Anna to work, decided to study her personal file more details. She did not find out about Anna nothing unusual. She had a good resume, proven recommendations, reviews about her work were positive, she passed all the required checks. Anna had some problems with communicative skills, but nothing serious. So what’s the deal?

Perhaps in the fact that Anna suffered from personality disorder, and this is almost never revealed during interviews about hiring

There are a lot of types of personality

disorders: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypic, antisocial, borderline, hysterical, avoiding, dependent, obsessive-compulsive. In each of them, selfishness, lack of flexibility, distortion in the perception of reality and impulsiveness are manifested in its own way. All these symptoms occur in various situations starting from adolescence.

Signs by which you can understand that your colleague suffers in such a disorder

1. It seems to you that you are crazy

It sometimes seemed to other employees when communicating with Anna that they were going crazy. Often they could not understand and explain what was happening. Often, Anna managed to convince her colleagues that the problem was precisely in them, she listed many of their flaws, mistakes and her fears. After such conversations, these employees began to worry, lost motivation and could even become depressed.

2. They behave like Dr. Jackill, then like Mr. Hyde

Anna behaved with colleagues quite differently than with leadership and friends. Although personality disorders are manifested in any environment, these manifestations may vary. When Anna wanted to impress someone, she could be very charming, but over time she dropped a mask and showed her true face.

3. Around them you have to “walk on tiptoe”

All employees tried not to provoke Anna. They learned to read her body language well in order to understand what mood she is in today. When she was not at work, everyone was happy, because the atmosphere in the office immediately became easier and more relaxed.

4. They resist the changes

Anna eagerly said that something should be changed, bearing in mind that others should change for the sake of. She did not want her colleagues to have healthy personal boundaries, and all the time tried to subordinate and suppress others in order to control them.

Me and my shadow: how to “tame” my dark side

Every person has “black” and “white”. Recognize your shortcomings, its “dark side” is extremely difficult. But if you manage to do this, you will provide a service in the first place for yourself – stop blaming yourself for your minuses and learn to use them for the benefit of yourself and others. How to make friends with your shadow?

“I know how she wakes up in me. My fists are involuntarily clenched. Wild malice rolls upon me. I feel that my right hand is looking for a weapon. This is a sword. I want to kill my husband. Yes, I want to kill him now. I want to take revenge on him and finish to the last sigh! Revenge, take revenge on everything in the world. At such moments, he calls me an evil Furia and leaves the house.

Once when the door slammed behind him, I ran to the mirror and did not recognize myself. A vile, skewed witch looked at me. No! It’s not me! He should not see me like that! I wanted to break the mirror into a thousand fragments!” – tells Julia to his psychotherapist. The girl talks about how the shadow side of her psyche is manifested. From a quiet, suppressed woman with sad eyes, she turns into an unfamiliar, hysterical, evil and hateful person at one point.

True, at that moment Julia looks like a furium. This is an ancient Greek goddess of revenge, an evil and grumpy woman. The energy that this part of the psyche contains is incredibly powerful. Previously, she only “erupted” in quarrels with her parents and scandals with her husband. Now Julia learns to accept and use it to achieve his goals.

The shadow part of the psyche is a source of colossal energy. Accepting it, we liberate our strength and can turn the mountains. Who noticed such an instant transformation as our heroine?

Meet your shadow

The concept of shadow in psychology was introduced by Karl Jung. Shadow is the “wrong side” of the psyche, its dark side. What we do not realize, suppress and deny in ourselves. In this part of the psyche, as in a “black hole”, the subconscious “sucks” and hides desires, impulses, memories and unpleasant experience associated with the idea of itself.

This includes animal instincts and negative features that are not customary to show in public. Pettyness, greed, envy, selfishness, anger and other. “No, I’m not greedy, just no money now. No, I help people, but today I am tired and strength at zero “.

At the same time, we have an “perfect” image of ourselves. “I am kind, caring, generous, smart”. This is a bright part of the psyche. Jung calls her person. In our own eyes and eyes of other people, we wish to look good. This retains integrity and self -confidence.

Person, or a bright part, does not want to take a shadow – its dark part. If you can’t make friends with the “wrong side” of the psyche, its contents will “break through” at the most unexpected moment and will do its “dark” business.

What is the danger of a shadow?

Do not hide from your dark side, do not hide. Suppressed feelings and desires directly affect the behavior.

How it manifests itself in life:

  • Suddenly, we go to conflict, destroying relationships;
  • We cannot control ourselves – “suffered”;
  • Our emotions and behavior from the outside look inadequate;
  • We are ashamed of our impulses and behavior.

How we feel:

  • Energy goes to the suppression of “bad” thoughts and feelings;
  • The struggle with himself takes vitality, weakening the will;
  • There is no strength to achieve their goals and enjoy life;
  • Health and self -confidence are undermined.

Examples of shadow from life

Natasha does not add up to men. Relations last a maximum of three months. And it’s hard to call it a relationship. There are weak, infantile men, whom she herself later leaves. There are no strong men in her environment. With them, she unconsciously “competes”. Tries to be better in all matters. She has such an Amazon-Ten.

Anya behaves like a snow queen in a relationship, cold and arrogant. Looks down, does not tell a man about his feelings, the first never writes or calls. Neither in a word nor a gesture will show a man that she likes him. Of course, all her novels “freeze” at the very beginning. And she asks herself questions why all relations come to naught equally.

In the process of therapeutic work, Anya realized what she was doing. Her eyes finally sparkled with tears. But the first words were: “No. No. No. This is wrong! I am not like that. This cannot be


Yes, it’s difficult to accept your shadow to everyone. But it is useful for adults to be friends with their shadow. Then we control our feelings, thoughts, actions, directing this energy to what is important to us.

How to “tame” your own shadow?

Step 1. See how it looks. Look around your life and honestly answer three questions: “What I do not want to show in myself?”,” I am afraid that others learn about me?”,” What thoughts and desires cause me guilty and shame?”. Be sure to watch your feelings during the day. Colleague received a promotion – chopped envy. A friend asked for money – greedy and refused. Gloated when the neighbors were robbed. The friend was arrogantly condemned. Shadow manifests itself through emotions and feelings.

Step 2. Take a shadow as it is. Recognize all the impulses of your shadow side. “Yes, I’m envious now”. “Yes, I want to take revenge”. “Yes, I’m glad she did not succeed”. Do not condemn yourself. Just admit that this feeling is.

Step 3. Find a positive shadow message. The shadow always indicates that it is important for us. It is necessary to consider this. I want to take revenge – I was depreciated in these relations. I envy – I do not allow myself more. Condemned – I want to be necessary and accepted. I behaved arrogantly – I want to be special and necessary. In each case, the shadow message is unique. But there is always a positive meaning there. Feelings are indicators of what we really need. Thank your shadow for opening!

Step 4. Direct energy in a peaceful direction. How can I give myself what is important to me? Envied career growth – I want development and changes. What kind of height I want exactly me? What can I do for this now? What resources do I have?

Step 5. Feel free to act. Finding out what is valuable for you, set clear goals that inspire. And move towards them step by step. Enough to feel guilty and scold yourself. So much energy goes into the void … friends with a shadow. This is part of you. Accepting all the most “terrible” in yourself, you will gain your strength. Checked.